Paradoxically, the EVM will be the cynosure of all eyes on May 23 well after voting is over. And there are many short and sweet reasons for why this election is testing the EVM and the Election Commission more than any candidate. Okay, so one might argue that the EVM . . . or its godly creator the Election Commission . . . reports to Modi and Shah Pvt Ltd. At least on this part even the most hardened bhakts should agree after what happened in West Bengal where Mamta Didi refused to cow (pun intended) down before any piece of beef that dared enter her bastion. Whatever the larger ramifications of that event (that futile debate on who started a communal flare up in a place where BJP has entered), one thing is clear – that the stance of the election commission (lower case, henceforth please) in Tagore’s and Netaji’s state was such that the poor EVM will be stared at hard on May 23rd. The moot point and the rude question in every polite liberal mind is – why on earth will such an election commission NOT rig the EVM. It doesn’t help that the Election Commission went into overdrive advertising the virtues of the EVM through a very BJP like mass media campaign on the eve of elections. A pre-emptive surgical strike on the unsuspecting electorate under radar free cloud cover. But since all politics is now only about marketing, methinks the election commission badly needs a fresh contemporary logo. Ideas for the same are welcome. But given that the election has outdone Pakistani electioneering by far, my humble suggestion for their logo is one ripe and juicy banana. It will signify to all proud Indians that the election commission at the behest of Modi & Shah Pvt LTD has successfully turned this proud nation – which was so far relying on the national anthem sung at high frequency to transform it into a republic that would make America and Europe go green with envy, and make China give up in frustration – into a sparkling and ripe banana republic. Not surprising since even the meaning of the word ‘Republic’ has itself changed so much after the advent of republic TV that to prefix ‘banana’ to it is act of redundant repetition. And not to mention the megalomaniacally named Namo TV which escaped the lens of the election commission as well as their ally, the Supreme Court. It makes one wonder if the election commission is a crazed misadvenventurer or is privately assured of stunning immunity through perpetuity. Here’s a damning inference. The only way the election commission can now make itself immune to trial in the future is by ensuring the EVM does its bidding and thereby ensures its masters remain in the seat for another term. And so again, the EVM will bear the brunt of it all on May 23^rd. Funny how the gun can be blamed in a random shoot – out. How’s that for the ultimate diversionary tactic.

But wait a minute.

None of my anti national blasphemy above is meant to imply to that only 69% of the population will be staring hard at the EVM on May 23rd. No sir! It is the magical 31% with both its sub segments – the one in the communal lavatory and the other in the communal closet that breached the dams of restraint in May 2014 – which be looking optimistically at the EVM on May 23rd. See it’s very simple. As far as the bhakt is concerned, true to his / her nomenclature, Modi and Shah Pvt LTD must win by hook or by crook, preferably the latter. That gives them the joy of sticking their black tongues out at the 69% of Indians who are standing in the way of creating the India of Pvt LTD dreams.

But yes, there is a glimmer of hope. Yes, there is. Still.

If all the focus of Modi and Shah Pvt LTD is on West Bengal and how to use their core competence of fakery and fraud, then it may well mean that UP is lost. Or even Bihar for that matter. But wait a minute again. Don’t miss the ‘glimmer’ in the ‘glimmer of hope’ in sentence of sacrilege above. Merely a glimmer because, for all their talents, Modi and Shah pvt LTD can’t rig all the EVMs. Else why would they even bother campaigning. But here’s the contradiction is my treason-ic statement above – may be they are simply campaigning out of the force of habit, because that’s all they do anyway. And governance in any case is incidental. And so when the election commission or its ally the supreme Court can take belated and feeble action on saffron violations and act with surprising urgency against others, and actually encourage Pvt LTD to acquire the Indian army (and now also the Air Force; the Indian Navy is a matter of time), you have n choice but to stare hard at that small white piece of disgrace with its gleaming buttons of deception with deeply impregnated doubt. The Kolkata top cop, a Facebook post, vendetta on an ex CRPF candidate from Varanasi, and some social workers arrested in Poona, all are merely collateral damage of a nation struggling after seventy years at two fronts – one, in becoming a democracy, and two, in becoming one nation. Yes all those who make the news that bleeds from vendetta are only collateral damage. Only collateral. The main damage is all of us – you and I, our muted vox populi, we the hoi polio – both 69% of us who don’t want to make asses of ourselves and the 31% who have no choice because they wear the DNA of asinine long ears to believe every rumor fakery and fraud and broadcast it further with incessant braying. The joke is on them too but they don’t know it. Pray, how can a joke know that the joke is on the joke.

And so ladies and gentlemen, on May 23rd if the EVM performs as the Pvt LTD mandate, it will be time to heed to the same honorable judge’s advice, an advice he gave in times his ascension and we believed him, unknowing at the time, the men can be as deceptive as EVM buttons. By the way, he said it’s time for a revolution. And then took office.

Think about it.

But meanwhile let’s stop eating the banana because it is now elevated to the status of a republic and we must respect it. And if the banana doesn’t return in full on May 23rd, because all EVMs can’t be rigged, or because perfection eludes even fakery and fraud, then it may well be a dessert of split banana, but a banana none the less. Who would have thought the National Defence Academy would one day share its acronym with an effing banana!

But we are deep in the throes of Kali Yug now.

Still. Have a nice day. Be good. Let bad guys win.

See you on May 23rd.

If we are able to breathe.

Ta ta.

P.S. As I finish typing this, I am staring at a screenshot of a tweet sent to me. It’s a tweet by Raghav Chadha of AAP who writes – “Have learnt through reliable sources that EC has summoned presiding officers of South Delhi’s Parliamentary Constituency’s polling stations to re-create and re-sign EVM related documents. This is shocking. What is going on? Why are docs being re-created? Are EVMs being replaced too?”

Amen.